This is my first time ever writing something that I am willing to let others read. (Well – other than my teachers in school) I never really enjoyed writing something that was “assigned”. I find it interesting that I can fill journal after journal and hide them for a rainy day, but now that I actually have this blank page, I stared at that blinking cursor for what seemed like forever before the first letter ever hit the page. Strange, because I have an active mind; it’s always in overdrive – another way of saying I have severe anxiety and panic disorder on top of severe depression.
Sometimes my thoughts are organized just like my filing cabinets at work – everything is neatly organized in a file folder. Just like my iPod – Everything has a label (filed alphabetically, of course). I am in complete control. I am at peace. Then there are the days where there is no room in the filing cabinet and just one more thing added, causes the file cabinet to explode and the files are all over the place, and I can’t get them back where they belong. My mind is in chaos, and just keeps playing the same thing over and over. I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus, I can’t relax, I can’t sleep.
Remember that TV show with Shari Lewis and that puppet Lambchop??? (Well, if you were born after Generation X, you might not remember). She had this annoying song called, “This is the Song that doesn’t end….”. That is how my mind seems to work most of the time. It’s extremely frustrating and; honestly at times, painfully agonizing.
I’ve been to doctors, I take medications, I try to find time to relax, but being alone with my thoughts and constantly worrying about what I still need to do sometimes seems worse than just being on full-speed all of the time.
Can you relate to this??